Waiting To Die

Standing here in the kitchen, I’m staring at the toaster in hopes that it will somehow heed my glare that I would like it to toast the cinnamon bread a little bit faster than it did yesterday. I don’t feel that it paid any attention to me. That’s three times I have to use the toaster. Once for Tim, once for me, and once for the dogs because we have to whip up toast for the canines or they’ll stare at us the entire time we’re eating ours. So they get their own. That’s five minutes per batch for a total of fifteen minutes of waiting for the toaster to do its thing at least once a week. (15 minutes x 52 weeks = 780 minutes a year)

Every time we have to go out of this apartment to go grocery shopping, or to the gas station, or just to the corner store I have to wait for Tim to comb the hair on his head that isn’t even there.  Or for him to wash his face. There’s always a reason he has to visit the bathroom while I put on my shoes at the bottom of the stairs. That’s two minutes I wait at least twice a week. I’m being generous here. (2 minutes x 2 times a week= 208 minutes a year)

Having doctors appointments seem to be the social norm when you’re above the average age of 40. Along with those appointments are reasons you have to call into the doctor’s offices. Whether it’s to change the appointment or to manipulate a prescription refill – whatever the reason, you have to wait. I have two doctors. One is a Primary Care Physician and one is a Cardiologist. It never ever never fails that when I make what I think is a simple phone call to ask a question…I have to wait. The “hold” etiquette has gone the way of Big Foot. It no longer exists. They ASK me if I can wait (“can you wait a minute, please?”) but don’t wait for an answer. I automatically get the horrible hold music that is so loud that its distorted. So I wait.  And wait. And wait. Then someone comes back on and asks me “who are you holding for?”  Shouldn’t they know who I’m holding for?  I would like to reclaim my time here.  That’s a good 5 minutes that I’ll never get back.  And even though it is only like twice a year, that’s ten quality minutes I could have been doing something valuable.  (10 minutes a year)

I live in a rural city with only a handful of lights. To get anywhere in this tiny city I have to cross only about three lights and they’re spread out a bit. But there is this one light that hates me. It recognizes my car from a distance and then plans on how it’ll screw up my commute. Either it LIKES that I sit there for two minutes yelling at it and calling it colorful names, or there’s a chance it wants to hear what new name I came up with this time. Or – and I believe this one the most – it has a crush on my car and wants to stare at it for two long minutes. So the light turns red and I am forced (by law) to sit there and wait while there are NO OTHER CARS within a five mile radius. I also think that light is just waiting for me to run it like I’m always threatening to do. Tim sits in the passenger seat telling me, “Don’t you do it, don’t run the light. You’ll go to jail.” while I rev the engine to let the fucking light know I mean business. I’ll run the damn thing one of these days. I swear it! (2 minutes x 3 times a week = 312 minutes a year)

It never fails…every time I open either computer, or the tablet, or turn on the television I have to update something. There’s a friggun update for everything. There’s an update to the update that took place yesterday! I understand that updates are necessary, but do we HAVE to do them so often? So I wait for the sprocket to stop spinning or the green line to go all the way to the right just for the update to tell me “Downloaded.  Now installing.” WHAT??  All that wait time wasn’t even the update updating the update?  Geezy chreezy.  (10 minutes x 1 time a week = 520 minutes a year) 

Waiting for the water to boil so I can drink some coffee. (5 minutes x 7 times a week = 1.820 minutes a year)

Waiting for the dog to take a piss after she sniffs every place every dog in the neighborhood has ever taken a piss in their entire existence in the history of time. (5 minutes x 4 times a day = 7,280 minutes a year)

Waiting in line at the grocery store so I can finally throw my items on the conveyor belt so I can pay for the food in the cart. (5 minutes x 3 times a week = 780 minutes a year)

Waiting in the examining room for the doctor I made an appointment with who is now 15 minutes beyond the appointed schedule time. (20 minutes x 6 times a year = 120 minutes a year)

Waiting for the water in the shower to get hot so I can wash off the dirt of all the other waits I had to wait for. (30 seconds x 7 times a week = 182 minutes a year)

Waiting for the gate of our apartment complex to open so I can get out and go do my thing! (1 minute x 7 times a week = 364 minutes a year)

Waiting for stupid commercials to be displayed so I can finally get back to the show I was actually tuned in to watch. (3 minutes x 15 times a night = 16,380 minutes a year)

Waiting for Josh to reply to my text while he’s working. (30 minutes x 10 times a month = 3,600 minutes a year)

Waiting for Jimmy to pay us back the money he owes us. (it ain’t happening – I’ll be dead if it ever does. Which it won’t.) 

32, 356 minutes a year.  And I was being generous here. That’s 22.46 days every year I am wasting by waiting for something. So every decade I should be getting a refund of almost a full year back into my life force.  When I tell you that I’m REALLY 35, believe me, I really should be if all was fair in the space – time continuum.  I would like to request a reclaim of my time. Is there a form to fill out??  I’ll wait.