Take Me Somewhere Else
There are times that I really dread another birthday coming up the pike. It used to be that I had to say “Thank You” to only those I could lay eyes on. Now, it seems I spend the entire day thanking those I don’t even know for the well wishes because that’s just plain ol’ custom courtesy.
Today is a very different day.
I don’t even know how to begin thanking Joseph for always surprising me with his power of packaging. Let me explain…
First, today is not my birthday. It isn’t until the 22nd. Which happens to be on a Sunday for a change, and not on a Tuesday or a Wednesday. I’m always bitching about my birthday NEVER being on a weekend and here it is…on a weekend.
And even though I’m going to be 51 this year, I still feel like I’m in my early 30s. My fascination with the odd Batman gadget or Coca Cola puzzle pegs me mentally at the 15 year old stage. I gave up on birthdays a few years ago. I can’t quite wrap my head around being half a century. I remember when I was a child I used to think my grandmother (who was 56 when I was 10) was ancient! How could anyone possibly live as long as she had?? That was crazy. Yet, here I am only 5 years younger than she was when I thought her an antique. My joke this year has been that I will be donating my birthday to someone less fortunate than me. That way I’ll be able to remain at 50 until the day I die.
I normally don’t get presents. It’s not that I surround myself with poor people who cannot shower me with goods. It’s simply that presents embarrass me, because I am the poor one and can never return the favor. So I always ask that I don’t get presents. A card is fine with me.
Lately I’ve been going through a personal health scare that involves my heart. I have come to terms that failing body parts are just a condition of age. I get daily visits from neighbors and friends, and today…I just wanted to sleep. Another condition of aging is sleep. I’m not sure why older people say they can never get sleep when that’s all that I seem to do. I’d fuck sleep if I could; I love it that much. I put a note on my door today that read, “Please do not knock or ring the doorbell. You can reach me on the phone,” and I slept. I slept until I couldn’t sleep anymore. After years (50 of them) of being tough…I’ve decided to let frailty slip in for a little bit and whisk me away to what I deserve – a lot of rest. No one bothered me today. It was heaven.
I woke up after the fifth nap of the day around 8pm to talk Styx out for a walk. When I sleep, she sleeps. When I wake up, she lets me pee and then I have to be fair and take her out. It’s our deal as Man and Best Friend. When I opened the door a package that had been left by UPS fell inside the door. It scared the hell out of Styx so she barked…which in turn made ME jump.
The package was from Joseph. He remembered my birthday. Which isn’t totally surprising since he sends the family and me gifts EVERY holiday. And not just one gift. It’s usually a box with multiple gifts and a homemade card. This was no exception. Jojo (that’s what I’ve been calling him for more years than some of you have been alive) is a master at wrapping. Even the box the gifts come in are professionally taped like he has stock in packaging tape. The gifts he sends to Tim, the hounds, and me are never normal. The unwrapping is always an event. The hours he must spend wrapping every package. It amazes me. He’s a packaging artist.
This year, though, was a terrific cavalcade of surprises. I could not believe how well he has been paying attention to my interests online. All the while, I had been a bit depressed that I don’t interact with him as much as I used to because I’m forever busy with the apartments, or the books, or my art. Yet, he obviously sits back and takes notes of the things I DO mention when I find time to get online.
Last week…I never mentioned it to anyone…but I went online looking for an apron. I cook every meal here at the House O’ Chuck. We don’t do fast food or restaurants. We like our food fresh and I’m a damn good cook. But I’m sloppy. I usually get batter splatter on my shirts or milk drips on my shorts. There are a number of mishaps. So I looked for a Coca Cola apron. I found one or two. But then I saw the Batman one!! I couldn’t afford it until I got paid, so I bookmarked the page to return to later. Guess what I got in my birthday package from Jojo. Go ahead. Guess. Yep….a Batman apron!!! I was so fucking happy! I immediately put it on because after the unwrapping (at 8-ish at night) I had to get dinner ready. What incredible timing!!! I wore my Batman apron the entire time I cooked tonight. And I was looking fabulous. Here’s proof:
But wait! That wasn’t all. He also sent me a Double Folding Bat Knife!! I almost had another heart attack right there on the living room floor. This is the best birthday gift EVER.
And if THAT wasn’t enough…I got two cookbooks. Oh man! Not that I ever follow recipes since I cook what I want and truly do come up with some great creations purely by accident. But these books are amazing! Jojo definitely put some thought into them. The first one is “The Official High Times Cannabis Cookbook”. There are more than 50 irresistible recipes that will get you high. It says so right on the cover.
The second book is “What The Fuck Should I Make For Dinner?” It’s the answers to life’s everyday question in 50 fucking recipes. I am going to cook every one of these recipes and post them for all to see along with the quotes included such as “I’d say eat shit, but that wouldn’t be helpful, so why don’t you make some fucking Braised Lamb Shanks”. This book was MADE for me.
And there you have it. The best gifts from the best guy. This is a rawking birthday gift, Jojo. You’ve outdone yourself. Thank you so very much for the smiles and the joy. Even Tim was wow’ing when I was opening gifts. Guess which present was his favorite? I’ll be busy in the kitchen making Sour Diesel Pot Pies tomorrow in my sexy new Batman apron. You’re the best. I am truly happy with my toys. x0x0x