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My 2014 Christmas List

Life in General / November 24, 2014

Dear Santa,

I’m writing to you on the off chance you actually read my blog. I just assume everyone takes a gander at my stuff, and since there’s got to be some sort of internet up there in the North Pole, you do as well.

This is the time of year when I keep getting asked, “Chuck, what do you want for Christmas?” That’s sort of difficult to answer since Tim and I celebrate Christmas all year long. It’s not easy to buy a present, wrap it, and then hide it in this teeny-tiny two bedroom apartment. So we save tons of money on not buying wrapping paper and bows. Or waiting for a man-made holiday to pass a gift of affection or acknowledgement to those we love. If we see it, and it made us think of someone in particular…we’re going to purchase it and give it to that person out of love for that person at THAT moment, not out of obligation because it’s a manufactured holiday.

With that being said, I do have some things I would like to have for Christmas. And, since I now have your attention, I’d like to provide my list to you. I’ll try to keep it brief since I know you’re a busy man around this time of the year.

Chuck’s 2014 Christmas List:

I would like everyone on the planet to stop arguing over every little thing and just do what is good for the majority of the people. (You can also substitute “people” with the word “planet” there. Whichever is easier for you to accomplish.)
It would be really nice if the new “Oddworld: Abe’s Oddysey – New N Tasty” could be available on the XBox 360 so I won’t have to go purchase a PS4. Oddworld is one of the very best games out there (besides Batman). If you haven’t played it, you really should give it a shot. The art work is phenomenal and the concept is totally original. But, little good it does on my Xbox 360.
Can you please redefine the word “model”? Just because someone takes a really good picture of themselves and posts it on Facebook, it does not instantly make them a model. It makes them handy with the Photoshop Express App on their phone.
Some common sense would be nice. If you could, can you spread it around those who habitually use the social media sites as their personal diary? People are so up-in-arms over their online privacy, yet will post just about every move they make, every meal they’ve eaten, every ache and pain they’re experiencing, and a daily shot of what their kids are doing…how they look…where they wait for their school bus, etc. It doesn’t seem to me that they’re all that worried about their privacy. Those people need some common sense.
Is it possible to make one day out of the year where people actually get to the point? I know so many people, and they act like they are genuinely interested in my thoughts and views until I get to the stop sign at the conversational crossroads and realize…they’re trying to ask me for something. If they would simply get to the point toward the beginning of the conversation, it would save me so much more time to get to my “no”. I’m older now, I don’t have an excessive amount of time to wade through their bullshit to get to why they’re actually acting like they want to talk to me.
Now that being obese is apparently the new black, can you please make it so thin guys like me aren’t becoming some sort of a sideshow freak in the retail stores? Do you know how difficult it is to find a “medium” tshirt in this day and age? It’s near impossible when every stitch and thread being produced has a tag of “XL”, “XXL” or “XXXL” on it. Honestly, if I want a tshirt, I have to go to the boy’s section.
While we’re on the subject, will you please inform the general public that skinny people aren’t all sick. I’m perfectly fine the way I am. I have a few heart issues (mainly blockage), but that’s about it. I feel fine most of the time until I start feeling dizzy. Being thin is not indicative of a meth addiction (I don’t do drugs) or that I don’t eat. I eat every day. It’s just my metabolism and my genes. I couldn’t get fat if I wanted to. So help those people who look at me like I’m going to drop dead of a life-threatening illness any second. That would be great.
Can you make a day in between Saturday and Sunday? Call it something like Saturagain or AlmostSunday. The weekdays take so long to get through (Thursdays seem extra long for some reason), and the weekend days go by in a flash (Saturdays seem to be on super-speed), so it would be nice if we have one extra day to do what I need to do that I couldn’t get done on Saturday and I don’t want to do on a Sunday. Like give the dogs a bath, or clean the apartment, or do errands. Oh…I know!…call the extra day Shitday, since that’s what I’ll be doing the entire day anyway; shit.
I would like it if my dog, Styx, had opposing thumbs so she can rub my back and behind my ears as much as I do it to her. All of this “giving” and no “receiving” is sort of getting old.
A sense of time would be a terrific gift! Just this morning my phone woke me up, the caller said she was sending the pest control out in 45 minutes. That would be 9:15 (they said I would need math in high school, and they were right!). It’s now 12:20 and I have yet to see any control of pests being done. When someone tells me they’ll be here in 45 minutes…can you get them to actually BE here in maybe 44 minutes? I’ll even take 5 minutes late. Just think of how much time I would have extended on my life span if I could get back all the time I have waited for someone or something. I’d be like 16 years old right now.
When someone utters, “It is what it is,” can you have them spontaneously combust? Please?