Jupiter Ascending

The critics are tough on this one.  Before you read any reviews, just think about what you want in a movie when you and your friends, family, loved ones, or dog sit down to watch one:

• The two hours (and then some) have to entertain you.  (check..Jupiter Ascending does that.)
• In the House O’ Chuck there has to be a lot of action and shooting and explosions and shit. (check, check, and yep…check.)
• There has to be  some eye candy thrown in there somewhere (oh yeah…check!)
• The story doesn’t have to be great, as long as it’s original.  (check…it’s not a remake.)
• LOUD!  The film has to be able to allow the speakers to peel the paint off the walls. (check. My apologies to the neighbors.)
• It has to have some sort of science fiction-y stuff going on. (check.)

Jupiter Ascending starts with a man in Russia (I wasn’t sure if he was Russian.  He sounded more British) who loved to look at the stars and the distant planets through his telescope while his pregnant Russian wife sort of scoffed at his hobby.  He takes some time out of his busy telescoping detail to rub Vaseline on his pregnant wife’s stomach, all the while kissing it and talking to the baby inside.  He decides that no matter what the gender, the baby’s name will be Jupiter.  The wife laughs at this and says that’s not happening.  Events then occur that has the wife giving birth to “Jupiter” in the middle of the sea under a star sign that foretells Jupiter will ascend to something great.  (See how they got the name?  Jupiter Ascends to greatness.  I bet you didn’t see that one coming!) 

Jupiter then becomes an immigrant, along with her mother and aunt, who have to clean houses to make ends meet.  One day, while cleaning a very rich woman’s house, Jupiter witnesses something outrageously paranormal.  Her world gets turned upside from then on….

WARNING….SPOILERS…WARNING…SPOILERS…WARNING…SPOILERS…WARNING…SPOILERS

Jupiter Ascending comes to us from the minds of the Wachowski’s.  Recognize that name??  You should if you’ve ever watched “The Matrix” trilogy, “V For Vendetta”, or “Cloud Atlas”.  And, while you’re watching “Jupiter Ascending”, the Wachowski brains are slathered all over the place.  Everywhere you look, you can compare it to their other movies…just upgraded.  Sort of like a Matrix version 4.0.  This time, the lead character is a woman, Jupiter, played by Mila Kunis, who has no idea she’s royalty out there in the universe.  She’s part of the Abrasax Dynasty who own planets.  And one in particular…Earth.  Earth is currently owned by Balam Abrasax.  He uses the inhabitants (the humans) to harvest them to concoct a life rejuvenating serum.  Don’t worry if you can’t follow all of this.  It’s laid out in the movie for you.  Only one guy can save Jupiter from being kidnapped (three times…he sort of sucks at the saving thing) from the Abrasax family, and that’s part Lycan spliced with human…Caine Wise, played by Channing Tatum.  Caine is a wolf without a pack who is trying to help get back what was taken away from someone else (Stinger…played by Sean Bean) because of something he did wrong.  He’s trying to make everything right again and he feels the only way to do this is to assist Jupiter in regaining her throne.  Bang, bang, aliens probing humans, shooting, chasing, explosions, buildings being blown up, spaceships, more shooting, bang, bang, kerblam, chasing, falling, screaming, falling again, kidnapping, traditional marriage, standing in line, bang, explosion, some parts of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” thrown in there, bees, Sims, bang, chasing, bathing in human gunk, more explosions, rescue, credits.  There, you now have the entire movie.  

Is it an Oscar-worthy movie?  Probably not.  But there were no costumed superheroes in this film.  In the first twenty minutes Tim let out four “Cools!” and applauded.  So it was Tim’s type of movie.  It was a fun two hours.  I didn’t have to use my brain.  But I DID have to pay attention really hard when Balam (played by Eddie Redmayne) talked.  He likes to whisper. So we had to turn the remote up and right when we were at the perfect sound level to hear him talk….BAM!!! BAMMITY BAM BANG!….we had to hurry and push the sound back down again. If you’ve got a spare two hours, you could do way worse than “Jupiter Ascending”.  I am certain (in fact, I would lay money on it!) that we will be seeing Jupiter and Caine and the Abrasax clan many, many more times in our living room in the years to come.  This is the sort of movie Tim will watch over and over.  Which is fine by me since he’s seen “The Matrix” so many times that I have actually memorized the lines and could probably get a part in a remake if I wanted to.  Rent the movie.  You’ll like it, no matter what the haters are saying about it.  We liked it.  You will too.