Take Me Somewhere Else
Sooooo – yeah – I made my way to Grindr.
What is Grindr, you ask? I understand the question if you’re not a gay, bi or curious about man-on-man sex sort of person. I actually had questions and I’m a gay man! Grindr is a Facebook Lite for the gay guys. Not really so much a FB Lite because the nudity can (and will!) flow freely behind the curtains. Try to get some skin in your profile picture though. No. That takes an act of Congress to get any skin to show. Grindr will reject your picture with zero mercy.
Once activating the Grindr account, you’ll be able to fill in your profile junk, and say a few (very few – only like 255 characters) about yourself. Then you’re off to see the other guys in your area that are looking for you looking for them…looking for you. The guys with a picture on their profile seem to get the most hits. Us gay guys are visual people. We want to SEE who we’re talking to. I’m really not sure about anyone else walking the internet halls of Grindr, but I personally don’t like to talk to ghosts and shadows. So, throw a picture up there! Be seen.
It’s tough to be specific on Grindr, though. Like I said, they only give you 255 characters to say what you’re looking for and what you offer in return. I’m a talker! I need way more than 255 characters. I thought maybe if I upgraded to their Grindr Pro that I would get more room. I found out that wasn’t the case. In fact, the only bonus I saw on purchasing Grindr Pro for a month (at $9.99) was I could see more guys outside of my area. Big whoop. If I can’t find dick INSIDE my area, what makes anyone think I want to travel 50+ miles to go get it? That had better be some mighty good dick. AND I better get some lunch afterward.
Why did I need Grindr when I have Tim? Well, of course, Tim is the love of my life. Nothing will ever change that. But we realized a few months ago that we have ZERO gay friends. None. They’re all straight. And they’re all teases. They don’t judge us (to our face) for being two guys in love, and they’ll joke about how big their dicks are and even grab their crotch when they describe their junk (because – remember – we’re visual!) but we can’t get anywhere near it. Their cocks are like Mars. We know it’s out there somewhere, we’ll just never get to touch it or smell it in our lifetime. And then they laugh, like it’s funny to be a tease. Fuck you, straight friends o’ ours – it’s not fucking funny. So we went to Grindr to see what’s going on in the gay world. Boy did I get an education in the first five hours.
First…gay guys are on the app to look for hook-ups. Okay, I get that. But I’m not looking for an immediate hook-up. Tim and I aren’t desperate to get some strange. If it comes along, then we’re good with it, but let’s step on the brakes a little bit Speed Racer. I am definitely not looking to suck your dick within the hour. I understand SOME guys (okay – MOST guys) are looking for that. But there are some of us that aren’t. I would have put that down if I had more than 255 characters to explain it to you.
I used to talk to just anyone. If you know me, I’m a friendly guy and since I AM on Grindr, I try to keep my social media experience light and cheery and friendly. After a few months on Grindr – that all changed. I got hard and stern. I cannot express to anyone how annoying and grating it is to get a message that just says “hey” or “sup”. I would be elated if there was a little bit of punctuation there. Like “hey!” or “sup?”. But, again, okay. I get it. Gay guys using a hook-up app to get a fuck. So they’re only using their one hand since…you know…the other hand is sort of busy. I just tested to see if I could punch the ol’ question mark with the same hand I typed “sup” and I could totally do it. Come on, guys. Apes won’t be able to accomplish this feat because they don’t have opposable thumbs. We totally do. No excuse not to use punctuation. Or maybe a few more words. That would be great. Because I have definitely run out of ways to respond to “Hows it hangin” (this is how they type it – no punctation). My reply is always “Today it hangs to the left.” Immediately – IMMEDIATELY – I get “can I see”.
Okay – we’re pausing here for a minute to explain to you the free flow of cock shots on Grindr. I never have asked for cock shots. Honestly, it’s nice to see them. But I figure it’ll take a few times talking before they show thei–nope! There it is. A cock shot. I would much rather see a face shot. Most importantly..a body shot. (I’ll explain why in a minute). But I have to see the cock shot. And even though I specifically and cleverly place “I don’t do butt!” in my profile, I get an ass shot too. Let me make this clear – asses do nothing for me. An ass is about as exciting to me as an elbow. Look at your elbow. Does it stir any flutters in your groin? No? That’s exactly what an ass does for me. Nothing.
I have also cleverly placed “20-40 yr olds plz!” because I couldn’t fit it in my description. I am not interested in meeting or talking to anyone below the age of 20 or above the age of 40. I don’t feel I’ll have anything in common with those people, I won’t be interested in them, and I’m not going to meet anyone outside of the 20-40 year age range. It’s MY opinion here. It’s not ageism. I cannot be reported for rejecting a 48 year old on Grindr because he can’t read the “20-40 yr old plz!” disclaimer that is clearly placed on my profile. Yet I got a 67 year old today. And a 49 year old. I don’t get many 18 year olds. Which I totally understand. When I was 18, you couldn’t make me want to get it on with a 25 year old. That was ancient to me. They had one foot in the grave already. So I get it.
I will never – NEVER – initiate the first chat. But I’ll always try to reply. I’m a bold guy. I have no shame, really. But I am shy when it comes to meeting people. Most of you already know that I will never send the first text or the first email. And I suck at answering them. Well…it’s the same on Grindr. Pretty pictures of cute guys doesn’t change any of my bad habits. And when you send pictures, it would be nice if they were sort of recent. Not pictures of you in 1999 when you last did a back up prior to Y2K.
And, for the love of gawd, guys on Grindr need to learn weights. Do they not teach this in school? Some guys who say they are “average” are nowhere near the definition of that word. I believe everyone is now working on the Wal-mart definition of large and X-large. I am thin. Boney. Skeletal, even. I weighed 132 during my last doctor’s visit last month. That’s deathly. A decomposed man at my height of six feet lying in a coffin weighs more than me. But I’m honest about it. I had to choose SLIM on Grindr. Choosing “slim” added a good 40 pounds to my internet persona. However, I have pictures of myself so the guys can see. If you look for them, you’ll notice I am not standing sideways. You’d only see my nose, my adam’s apple, my dick, and my knee caps in those sideways pictures. You’d wonder what you’re even looking at. (Are those knee caps?? I think they are.) But stop saying you’re average if what you really are is large. Or stocky. Or fat. Yes – I said fat. Does that hurt your feelings? Then eat a fucking salad once in a while. It doesn’t always have to be about the chicken wings and quarter pounders with cheese and bacon.
And, finally, THE HOOK UP!
You read my profile. I read yours. We’ve done some extensive chatting because I wouldn’t have told you how to find me if we hadn’t. Yet everyone (especially Tim) is still nervous. Except me, for some reason. I feel like I’ve met a new friend and all will be well with the world after the “first contact”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out like that. Why? I refer you back to the out-dated pictures and the lack of knowledge toward weight. We HAVE met a few guys that we still keep in contact with. Strangely enough, it’s not a sexual friendship at all. It turns out that we had chemistry and we would just ruin it if a dick or two would pop out in the mix. So we’ve kept it light and airy. For now. If you get my text number, that’s so you don’t have to hunt me down on Grindr. Which really runs behind all of these windows I have open on my laptop. (this one included. If you minimize this window, you’ll still have to go through about six other windows to get to Grindr). So, I rarely pay attention to the app. However, I hear the alarm on my phone when you text.
However, I’m not about to hook-up with anyone just because they’re boned and ready to dump a load in the next 15 minutes. That’s not going to happen. And I feel bad (genuinely!) when they are trying to sell me on their sexual prowess when they could be marketing their skills to someone else who would be more open to the time and term limits. I have OCD (self-diagnosed…not clinical) so everything and everyone must have order in my life. I require appointments. Schedules. I write everything down. Don’t believe me? Come look at my desk covered with my many calendars, scheduling books, and sticky notes. I schedule most everything. From the time I should be waking up, to my goal time to hit the sheets. Shower at 11:15am but only after I make coffee at 10:42am and drink it from 10:44 to 11:02. That leaves me 13 minutes to disrobe, take a piss, line up the towels and clean wash clothes, change the shaving razor and brush my hair before hopping into the shower. You think I’m joking? Follow me around one day. You’d stop following me around 3pm when you pass out from being dizzy.
My point (and I DO have one) is that I will not be hooking up with anyone within 12 hours from the first “hey” or “sup”. Impossible. So this may be one reason I’m not finding exactly what I’m looking for on Grindr. The other reason is that I’m not looking for anything. I’m just being sociable. Trying to get guys in my area to know they have a creative soul in their midst. There’s a free radio station at their disposal! And if they’re hungry, they can more than likely come and get something to eat. I am not the one, however, to feed into their T habit. (it took me forever to find out what “T” or “sweet T” or any name with a capital T in their name meant). I’m not paying for something I can get for free, either. It’s amazing how many guys want to charge for services I didn’t even ask for before those services were even haggled over and rendered. Who do they think they are? Direct TV?
Just be a normal guy without being overly girly or laughably rugged. Have a fucking sense of humor. We’re adult men. If I wanted to be with a woman I’d be on Match.com. We’re looking for friends. Not just a dick. And while we’re on that subject – dick. I am not a size queen. Never have been. But I do know my inches. Maybe it’s because I’m an artist and can draw a 7 inch straight line without using a ruler and be pretty darn accurate. Math alludes some guys, apparently. I never ask how big anyone is because – well – I got the visual two minutes after the “hey” or “sup”. I’m just saying, some guys need to re-assess their length. That’s all I’m going to say.
My Grindr experience: It’s been fine these past couple of months. Tim is behind me 90% of the time when I’m chatting. I show him the pictures and then either get his approval or disapproval. The approval always concludes with him saying, “let me know what happens,” as he goes back downstairs to unite with his beloved Xbox. The guys I’ve encountered are just normal guys going through their life and they’re just looking to add some spice to the Daily Mundane Stew. Some guys are rude. They get a block from me. Some guys don’t know what a “no thanks” means. Again, another block. Like I said, I’m not used to gay guys. We are having a normal conversation about climate change and all of a sudden “do you like your ass eaten?” comes out of nowhere. Were they thinking about eating my ass the entire time I was trying to describe how cow shit affects the ozone? If anything – let’s talk about sucking dick! That’s a conversation I’d gladly divert to. But I’ve learned gay life is a Grindr.